Ich will es. Ich will es so sehr. Wenn ich die Augen schließe, denke ich an Blut. Wunden. Schmerz. Ich sehe sie vor mir... die Schnitte.
Ich will, dass es aufhört. Ich will Ruhe. Keine Gedanken, keine Angst, keine Sorge, einfach Ruhe.
(Sry dass ich hier von deutsch auf englisch wechsel, aber so ist es einfacher mich auszudrücken)
Ifeel like getting insane, becoming just a totally fucked-up person. Well, i AM a totally fuked-up person but i feel like i´m losing controle even more. I try to be there for the people and im telling them to hang on and not to give up on everything they like while i just want to curl up in a dark corner myself. While i just want to cut open my own skin to draw blood out of my own system. While i want to harm other people again.
It´s not fun to think of nothing bad and out of nowhere there are thoughts in your mind maing you be afraid of yourself. You know you aren´t going to do anything but you notice that you like the thought.
Its always like this... there are kind of to people inside me at the same time. The first one who is always there is the rational, smart and thinking one that continues overthinking my actions while the other part of me has some really weird shit going on in its mind. Things like hurting myself and others, sometimes behave like a child.
And while the weird one is thinking all this creepy weird scary stuff my rational side makes me think about the consequences these things might have. It´s not like my rational side is always the "good" side ... it causes all the fear coming from thinking too much.
Like you noticed it´s a little messy in my head right now.