Why do i get so calm when facing the possibility of death? It's kind of odd... even the thought of somebody pressing a gun to my head is kind of calming. I think, I would even start to laugh if somebody did that to me.. or at least somewhat enjoy the situation. Something that feels less calming is the thought of a person randomly slaughtering people with me in that persons reach.
The imagination of having my life on the line and feeling real is tempting. For example I like putting my hands around my neck and feel the beat of life and feal like really living. I don't have the intention of reallykilling myself then but i just like that feeling of power on the one side and reality on the other side.
In these moments my "bad" self is fully satisfied and feels really good allowing me some moments of peace. It makes the constant fight in my head easier to handle. I would really like to be tied to a bed once unabe to free myself and with no other people around to see or hear me. Then I finallycould let out this fight in my insides and act accordingly to what my "bad" self wants. Then I could finally have dome peace in my head again. I'm so fucking tired of putting up a fight all the time.
In the back of my head I almost always feel this tempting sensation of the urge to harm somebody. It seems like this urge is just waiting for a moment of weakness to take over. In addition it's always wispering when I'm alone: Come on, you want to see blood. There is no one around and the blade is just a few steps away. If you want to see blood but not harm anybody else then just slice your own skin, you know it'll be fun.
It's so god damn hard to always fight against that, especially in the last few days.